What I Wish My Blog Could Be

I am loving this blog.

I have fallen into the blogosphere by writing about my struggles and sometimes triumphs. However, as we have seen, they have mostly been struggles.
When the mind is preoccupied with survival not much else is going on...you just try to make it day to day or plan a way out until you met the desperation to act on it.
All these struggles make me a more compassionate person. I am not done with the difficult times, are we ever? But I do have someone in my life that helps, tremendously, make a difference. My mind is now having the freedom to think creatively instead of the other stuff.
In this creative thinking I am dig up within myself the things I am passionate about.

b.a.s. and I have discussed that I have a litmus test for all politicians. Ah, it's probably true. Mostly I think they should mind the issues of economy, govenment and defense....but I think it right that some 40+ year old male should decide what our individual rights are. And I know, it is not one male deciding.

For example here are some problems I have....take Elliot Spitzer for example. He was hiring a prostitute (who shouldn't be mentioned because she signed up to let men humiliate her and therefore all women in the process) with whom he had sex, if I recall correctly the plan with that particular agency was that there was no protected sex. The protection was that the women were on birth control and it all in all it is a business deal. So, go figure, what happens if one of these women get pregnant? What happens in porn movies where men are all anxiously waiting the cum shots....now, could a girl get pregnant? Hell yes. And should she have this child if she were taking almost all the necessary precautions? Obviously not all the precautions were being taken because there was no rubber usage and even that is not all the precautions. But men watch porn....and there is a difference in porn and erotica, erotica is not about degrading or humiliating women. Watch it. And think about whether the woman is really really enjoying it. Hmm, from my experience too many watch porn and not enough erotica. Men want to stick things in women...fingers, cocks, tongues, dildos, whatever, they want to stick things in women because they are men and their anatomy dictates this. Women, well, as we know most of our sensation comes from the clitoris and about an inch or so into the vagina, a little further if looking for the G-spot. Our nipples are like the head of your cock, in fact our clitoris is like that too. We have more places for stimulation than just the one opening.

How many times do you watch porn and see women tugging at their own breasts? Yeah, this is not exciting, we want you touching our breasts, but this doesn't make good porn. Because in porn it is about using women as object for your gratification. The fact that porn is not being made with dolls is because women can we worn down to the point where we think it is our duty to behave in a degrading fashion otherwise we will not be wanted. But we want to be wanted. It's just that we are fed this kind of media, or Playboy - where not one woman ever seems to have real breasts, or lips or nose...and most are probably having anal bleaching if not other down there cosmetic procedures.

I sometimes want to write to men, Stop being a fuck wade and act like a man....a real man, a man that opens doors for women, not because we can't open them for ourselves, but because it says to us, I respect you. I respect you and I want to take care of you.

Sometimes I want to say to women....stop being the woman your daughter will not look up to. Don't let men treat you like some doll that can be fucked over and cast aside. You have feelings. You have rights.

I want to say to men, if you wouldn't want some man treating your sister, mother or daughter that way, don't do it to the woman you're with. Show her love and she'll show you love for a long time to come....and great sex. Women that are respect are more likely to want to initiate sex. But if they feel like they are your own personal porn star. Yeah, just get married. She'll then want a break. I am sure this is why this happens. She finally feels like she has some security from being treated like hell.

And ladies, don't let men treat you anyway you wouldn't want your daughter treated. And don't raise sons in a house where men treat women like shit. And for fucks sake.....don't let them watch porn. You must teach them about sex and love before they find it themselves....and they will, from a pretty young age.

What if all women said no to sex outside marriage? Including prostitutes? What if? Would men be up for the challenge of learning to love and respect a woman? For men that watch porn would you want to see your wife in that position without you around.....or your daughter?

I think we don't think enough.
I need to be a better writer.
It is blogs like these that really nail that for me. I could learn to be effective with written words.

And by no way is this an attack on anyone.
Can we say no to porn and learn to love erotica?

Instant Coffee

There is no coffee pot in this house. My coffee pot is in the duplex next door. But since there are people staying there, the park service had some volunteers and they were prearranged to be there before this new stint became part of my plan, I don't have it nor did I want to bother for a simple coffee pot. So, I do the next logical thing. I buy Folgers instant coffee. *BM used to drink this in the morning, wasn't my idea of a great start but when you want to spend time with someone you'll endure just about anything. But I think asking me to drink instant coffee is just too much.

They have now left for work.
I am going to get the coffee pot so I can make some Peet's.

I Dream in Cast Iron

It's true, I am totally seduced by great cookware. Love cast iron. I now own two pieces of cast iron. I figure a cast iron muffin tin or pie pan will be the only other cast iron that I "need". I am happy with having a dutch oven (no not that kind, Cartman).

I had not planned on buying any housewares whatsoever. Rather I'm still weeding through and would like to thin my belongs even further. But here I am about to make a dish that requires a larger than I have pan and I love this dish and hope to do much more cooking like this while out here. Namely because I can make more than enough for several nights and I won't have to grocery shop as often, or something like that.

I am house sitting for a bachelor that I think would rather dine out then spend hours chopping and prepping a dinner for himself. I, on the other hand, would rather spend hours making a fabulous dinner over dinning out. But there are exceptions, there are always exceptions. This is to say that I knew what kind of cookware was available and I would need something much sturdier. So upon completing my grocery shopping I crossed the street to the Ace Hardware, yes, they sell home items, and a much better selection than the grocery. And yes, I happened to know this....weird but true. You can buy paint, nails and a crockpot at the same location and no it is not Wal-Mart.

Upon walking in to the Ace Hardware I am quickly asked if I need help. I say no, I know where they keep the cookware and I would rather look around a moment to make sure I got what I really wanted/needed. It wasn't looking so good. There were popcorn poppers, coffee pots, deep fryers, pressure cookers, and Pyrex. Not looking so good. I could maybe make do with the bottom of a pressure cooker, but for that price....ah, probably not. I turn left. AH!!! The first pans I see are like $130, yeah, that's a bit out of my price range. Don't get me wrong, I am all in favor of great cookware. But I'd rather have a place to put great cookware before I start collecting. Besides, I always thought I would be married and picking out the kinds of cooking things that would be wonderful to cook with, like great knives, really great knives, and pans without teflon lining. And great pans deserve a gas stove of course. But case iron, it's durable, and if all else fails I could use it for weight lifting, and the Dutch oven could be curled like a kettle ball.

I move further down the aisle. Perfect. Similar to the one I grew up with....yes, and my dad still cooks with...in fact he cooks some great stews over his wood stove in that Dutch oven. I also splurged on a knife, a $15 knife, but better than any knife here as my things were packed and are now scattered from here to Washington. I needed to be able to cut come chuck roast and carrots for the beef provencal. When I looked at the knives here, I realized I'd be sawing rather than cutting or chopping.

I've actually had a pretty good day. However, I've been reminded of my mom a lot today. First, I am back home, almost home, I am closer to home than I have been for the last year. Then I was in John Day, a small town, but way bigger than where I am living, and the only town with a gym in the county. I signed up for my gym membership, worked out, and then headed to the grocery. It has been four months since I grocery shopped for myself, it's been four months since I felt like I really belong, and even now, it will be a few days before I can move into the place I'll stay for the next couple of months. It will feel better because I'll be on my own schedule, I won't be worried, it will just be better. But there I am in the grocery trying to carefully shop because I don't live 6 blocks from a Safeway any longer. I find myself trying to squeeze through the meat aisle...some scary looking women do not want to give way to me, it's small town pecking order. I wait. Finally. They move. I overhear the conversation about hamburger prices....and I can't help but feel more emotions than I can to feel. People are having a really difficult time nation wide, but it's always the same out here. Their salaries haven't increased in eons, but the fuel prices did go up for a while, they are lower, but I am paying $2.49 a gallon for regular out here. My parents did fine out here. My Dad still does well. House was paid for a few years after I was born. He lives a pretty inexpensive existence but he's also light on the planet this way. No, you don't have to shop at a Whole Foods or a Wild Oats to be more environmentally friendly. Trying buying less. Or buying less of prepackaged foods. I could go into a whole soapbox presentation on this but that is not the point. I was standing in front of the meat and there is this woman, she lives a backyard and half away from my dad , as it all depends on how you climb the fences, or what fences you climb. I walk around now, but I was still climbing the fences when I was in college. She is the mother-in-law...do you say ex if the spouse is deceased?...of my mom's friend from high school that lived one house away all the while I was growing up. But when I was about 23, she too, like my mom, died of cancer. See....and it is the holidays and I just can't help but think of my mom. So, there in the meat aisle...I realize I don't know the difference between stew meat and chuck roast, or the differences between the beef roasts. I ask her....yep, I just asked if there was a difference, and you know what, for a moment, it was a mom like moment. She explained that chuck roast is better than stew meat, but that she likes it to be smaller. It wasn't precut, but I knew I'd need a fair amount as I'll bring some to my dad and brother tomorrow.

And it smells delicious I tell you.
I used a Syrah for the reduction...perhaps will have a glass myself a little later, and the beef with garlic, tomatoes, carrots, rosemary, thyme, and clove...all great flavors and smells for a chilly fall evening. It is getting nice and thick in the oven and then I'll have it over whole wheat egg noodles.

A photo will be posted later.

The Wait of Ramen

Oh, about three minutes you say.
It has likely been at least a year for me.
These noodles used to seem like they packed a lot of calories and fat. But honestly, I don't care at this moment.

I am house sitting and brought a few groceries with me. Hmmmm, this really should read that i brought some McCann's Irish Oatmeal, quinoa, an acorn squash, apples and some tea, of which I had while visiting my sister last night and left the box of Extra Sleepy time on the counter. This leaves to me think about driving 70 miles round trip to pick up tea and a few other groceries. I had planned on going into town to do this at some point but figured it would be sooner rather than later. So here I am at 3:15 pm eating Top Ramen. I tried to kill the hunger by eating an apple. I stayed at my sister's and so this meant no breakfast or coffee, still haven't had coffee, or breakfast for that matter. Unless, of course the apple then becomes breakfast because it was eaten before the noodles. But does my Yogi ginger tea become dinner? I hope not. But I am very tired I could curl up in bed and sleep forever. However, I am house sitting so not my bed. And all my bedding is in the duplex next door because that is where I will live. However, until Thursday some volunteers for the park will be staying there. So, tonight when they come home I will ask to take my down comforter, pillows and quilt so that I can happy next somewhere here, which is likely to be right smack in front of the heater. It's cold here. I am cold and tired and would love to have b.a.s.'s warm body to curl up next to. Oh, wait, I tend to be the one with all the heat....so he says. But I think two naked bodies make a cold night much warmer than if you wear pajamas.

Live in Your Strength.

This is the mantra from my tea bag.
Yes. Happy I am strong.
It's been a long road.
But honestly, if I had to do it all over again to be right where I am.

Hunger Pangs

As the days grow physically shorter so does my ability to sit with zen like patience.
The last four months have been some of the hardest months I've faced emotionally with regard to my sense of self worth. However, they have also been some of the greatest months, harboring a love I never could have imagined. Yes, I have dreamed of being loved, really loved, but I thought I was broken, somehow undeserving of this kind of love.

Love can probably mend most of life's wounds.
Not a love from another person, but it helps.
But a love that is bigger than a love you can even have for yourself.
I can honestly say that I haven't risen above the walls I've built around myself just yet. I keep peeking over the edge wondering if all the world will come to screeching halt around me. Don't count your chickens right? Wrong. I am trying to learn to trust in God (period). This trust is hard, I suppose because so often I have been excited by possibility and then when the possibilities remain just that, I have been from time to time disappointed.

Suffering is something I can embrace now. I know how it feels to have your heart put through a meat grinder and have it handed back to you a fistful at a time. Believe me, I am aware that I am susceptible to wishful thinking. And this form of thinking has landed be back with more fistfuls of meat than I even knew what to do with....so I mostly dropped them and ran away. But I am tired of hiding from all the things that cause me pain. I can honestly say that if I were told I'd be loved for a long long time and it would be glorious and mighty.....I would go through every ounce of suffering all over again (of course I wouldn't wish upon anyone the suffering they endured in my life) but I'd take the pain because through the pain I discovered a twinkle of Hope and that hope opened my heart to a greater love.

I'm clearly not starving any longer. I am being slid slice by slice something that doesn't contain fat or calories, the only thing you can feed straight to your soul. However, I do have hunger pangs. They come when I feel lost in a world that seems to big. The distance from here to where I want to be seems further than Venus. My slate is nearly clean. I only need light a match to take care of the rest. No matches, but rather a box by box detox. A day by day detox.

Opening my heart center to let someone love me. Opening my heart center to really love someone. To love them and every molecule of their being, all the good and the bad and the things they wished were different, and the things I wished I could have changed. I wished a time ago that I could have changed things for myself and for them. To save them any heartache, to save myself from comparing to other aspects of their life. I wasn't being open. My heart was moving in the right direction but it was and is still patrolling its walls. But I am aware of where I want my heart to be. I want to be okay...so okay that my only concern is loving in the best most honest way as humanly possible.

But I am stuck with the sun going down earlier and earlier.
If only in these days until the Solstice if I could just accept that this is where I am at. Leave the pressure in the bottom of the last box, leave it packed it for a match someday. If I can leave it and let myself be loved, let myself two months to breathe and rest and write. Two months of time invested so that I am a more well grounded individual. So, that in two months time I will have come up with a plan for my life, a career, some goals, and a passion.

A year ago I was ready to give up on it all. I hung with it for this last year and now I've been given the gift of time without pressure to find the passion. It's maybe the hardest gift to accept, love that is. You can eat all you want and never get fat. However, you will be full.

Acceptable Forms of Identification

Only in eastern Oregon can you go to get a post office box at 8:20 am and there be no one in line or no one waiting for postal assistance. An no, this isn't because you're waiting at the Pony Express or that US Postal workers out there are allowed to pack (they're not). It is because there are 135 people in the town and the mail doesn't come out until 2:30 pm at which time the Post Office will fill with people retrieving the weekly news (that's right, the newspaper is published once a week), bills or catalogs.
Only in eastern Oregon can you go to the post office and the postal worker is not wearing the blue uniform but rather their own comfortable clothing on this 30 degree morning.
Only in eastern Oregon do people leave their vehicles running while stopping at said post office.
Only in eastern Oregon are you asked for two pieces of ID to open a mailbox. Now, I am sure, that two pieces are required at all postal branches, however, did you know that a Hunting License is an acceptable form of ID? Who would have guessed?
Yeah, I had my drivers license. Then I am asked for a second ID, of which if you have your hunting license that will be acceptable. Okay, sure. I know the woman behind the counter, a little. I had a crush on her son when I was in high school. He was a year older than me and played sports as well and my high school combined with his in order to have a team. Then he ended up at the same University as me only a year after I started as he went to Eastern for his first two. Anyway.....HUNTING LICENSE????? Ha!

Only in eastern Oregon will they go ahead and open said mailbox without second ID because you promised to bring it Saturday or Monday of the next week. Ha. Double Ha!
Then it dawned on me, even though I am driving someone else's truck, I have my handbag, the steal of a deal handbag, and because I unpack about 2 months after taking a trip my Passport is still in said handbag. I should have indulged and come back next week with a hunting license. But I am likely to forget, so I ran out to the truck leaving wallet wide open on the counter to retrieve my Passport.

Only in eastern Oregon.

Steady hands, unsteady mind.....

I think I am going stir-crazy in part because there are changes coming. But also because I have time, too much time as I wrestle with getting the program going and because if I miss conversations with b.a.s. I have on average one 15 minute conversation a day.

I can support solitude, but seriously, I need someone to speak with on a regular basis.

So, I am currently washing housemates laundry (as I'd like to leave with some good deed done), watching House and flipping through the Moosejaw catalog.

There are obvious comments I could make about how un-green it seems to even look through a magazine or a catalog...same goes for Newspapers, but sometimes I just like touching and reading.

Now, how to deal with the unsteady mind?
Goals. Daily goals. An event to train for? A book to write? A calmness to attain?

Two Martini's

Yes, two martini's would make for a much more exciting day.
Anyone want to teach me how to make a great drink?
but wouldn't that be counter productive to the running?

Have camera...need photos.....

I've been reading the blog of the sexy beast.
I have entirely too much time on my hands while waiting to get to place where I can settle, relax and set a routine. Yes, routine. Sure, I am totally adventurous, but routines make me feel settled and peaceful. At some point I might be able to let go of this need to be productive while I am in this limbo state. I should even stop calling it limbo, b.a.s. and I have discussed what I should do during these next couple of months, but I am just having a hard time settling into it, that is until I am settled in a place where I have a ton of time to focus where I need to focus.

If I do not fill the space with the things I need to do I let my mind get the better of me.
b.a.s. has wonderful friends and so many adventures, I honestly have to say that I envy his mind and some of the time of his past. I mean, I am totally happy for him. But I am too focused on how much fun he has had in life and not on the fact that we'll have a blast with our future. Also, I am baffled as to why I even care about his past and he is so peaceful and doesn't worry about mine. Which, in my mind is nowhere near as exciting as his.....though, it must have been somewhat exciting at some point.

I am getting very excited about settling down to learning how to really take photos. Really learning about all the functions on the camera so that Basim can teach me how to take photos before we attend the photo class.

I have planned that in order to get settled in the least amount of time as possible that I will have to jump on the workout plan, which I have started on in the last few days. But this means, as it did when I moved here, getting my gym membership squared away as quickly as possible, which might prove to be difficult considering it is a 24 hour gym that never has anyone there. I no longer have a key card to it and will need to get one, which means calling ahead and arranging to pick one up. Then I will need a few hiking places (as I'll be an hour from where I lived before but the gym will be a little closer) so that the dogs get their workout and I get a little extra boost. I will need to bring yoga mat and videos with me so that I can keep up on the progress. And all the while, I will take photos. Lots and lots of photos because it makes me happy.

Spinning

Went to a spinning class this am.
It was great. An hour of remembering how much I like to physically push as hard as I can.
I am taking a break. Forced break really. Housemate was letting me use his truck as my car is need of some serious tender loving care. The spinning class went 15 minutes longer than it should have which left me nearly 10 minutes late for picking him up. He has errands to run and I need to relax and focus on the things I have control over....that is pretty much the dogs, my laundry, my writing, my reading and the gym. Oh, might add that I did start catching up on House episodes and now need to start on the Family Guy. The only two shows I watch. What can I say, after not having a tv for 12 years and then only having Fox, I am very happy to have two shows. Any more and I might have 2 asses instead of one, which is looking like 1.3 currently.

So, I am taking a break. Made lunch for the housemate and self, need to motivate to go back to gym to run for at least 40 minutes and then 20 on the stair climber, you know, the real stairs, not that steppy thing. And then weights. Then a break, until 6 pm, and back at the cardio for 30 and then yoga for an hour.

I am gonna the kick the ass on this weight gain. I've got time. And so that is how it is going to go. It keeps me sane and will hopefully let me sleep better again once I know what is coming my way.

I know it seems like a lot, but consider that my schedule before April was 3 hours of cardio and 30 to 40 minutes of weights a day. Two hours of good hard running and one hour of walking dogs, or 1.5 hours of running and 1.5 hours of walking dogs. And only a little tv. I didn't go out or have any friends. But nothing has changed. Except that I don't keep with a regular schedule anymore and schedules make me happy. Plans make me happy.
So, I am planning.

Also, need to motive to take photos. Photos of anything really. Just need to start teaching myself some things so that I can really get the most out of Alex Mustard's Photo class after the first of the year.

In the words of Bob Dylan

Everything is Broken......
This post could be like 10 posts just from the days events.
Where do I even start?
-Conversation with the b.a.s. (Big Arabian Stallion...just in case you missed this somewhere)
I miss him terrible. Quite possibly he is the only relationship I have ever had where all the feelings are mutual, that I know of. I have never been looking for someone to "complete me" but rather someone to love that loves me back. And that we've got in spades.
However, we don't have a great schedule for talking. He is busy working a million minutes a week and I am just a mess. I try to have conversations with him when I get up and when I go to bed, because all the time in between he is sleeping. But this doesn't always work out. Sometimes when I get up he has some place to be. Sometimes when I am going to bed he'd just getting to work and actually might have time to talk but then I am at a house where no matter what room I squirrel myself into I can be heard by the housemate everywhere, and I am trying not to cause pain or conflict and he rather not have to hear me on the phone.
So, otherwise this leaves me going back to Starbucks to have conversations, which is painful because sometimes I wait and he can't talk or other people are trying to talk to me or the internet doesn't work, or something.
But lately I am so tired when it comes to the night time conversation that I fall asleep while he watches.

We are both totally in love with each other and I know he is strong so I don't think a few missed conversations are going to kill us, it is just that we have things to sort out, like my end of the relationship and where I am going and what I'll do. And my car so that I can get to where I am going.

The Volvo is entering menopause.
For all I know it is not menopause but rather death. I'd like to think just menopause and that I can deal with the rest, a new starter, a new ignition switch, cv joints on the front (she's a front wheel drive) and some break light switch.

It's hard to get going when the going is currently impossible.
So, I have asked the mechanic to give me the low down. Is my car worth having these things done. Will she break more in the near future? Could I drive her a year or two, at least? She's a Volvo, with certain things repaired couldn't she drive for further? See, I have no clue. And saying anything to my dad will result in "Should have bought a Japanese car, they drive forever." And besides, at this point in life, it is harder to deal with that than just not ask and at this point in life I'd like to be free of Dad decisions. I feel grown up, not not getting a grown up check. Sorting.


Broken lines, broken strings,
Broken threads, broken springs,
Broken idols, broken heads,
People sleeping in broken beds.
Ain't no use jiving
Ain't no use joking
Everything is broken.

I can't agree with everything Dylan says. Joking helps. Sure, it's broken but the only things I have left are jinx the hairy beast, otter the hairiest beast and b.a.s. the nearly naked beast, and my sense of humor (which isn't as strong as it could be).

Broken bottles, broken plates,
Broken switches, broken gates,
Broken dishes, broken parts,
Streets are filled with broken hearts.
Broken words never meant to be spoken,
Everything is broken.

I am thankful to have b.a.s. who is so stable to discuss things with. And surprise, he doesn't get all angry with me or berate me or tell me to go to the gym more. Can you imagine? I know, it makes me very happy that he says he loves me, and that it, just loves me no matter what I am battling. And he wants to help because he doesn't like to watch a dying animal squirm.

Bridge: Seem like every time you stop and turn around
Something else just hit the ground

Um, yes, the story of my life. But for whatever reason I am still hanging in there.Currently right now I am ready for a completely distracting adventure. Distance adventure. Perhaps that is me training for some great event besides the New Orleans 70.3. Something at the end of the month, a turkey trot thing in Portland perhaps or Bend. Or a Jingle Bell run in December. I need an event. Just to go and do it. But I need a bigger challenge so that I will commit to doing it. The marathon? an ultra? the ironman?
I am a planner, I might only plan for a day or for weeks but I like schedules and plans. I like routine. I like having coffee at the same time everyday. I like eating the same foods if they are available and if they help me achieve my fitness goals. I don't care if I eat stirfry 6 days a week, hey, I am kind of used to it. But as long as I have a routine that works. Sleep, coffee, gym, dogs, lunch, write, laundry, yoga, dinner, dogs, bed. I like routine even if only for two weeks. It is better than none at all.


Broken cutters, broken saws,
Broken buckles, broken laws,
Broken bodies, broken bones,
Broken voices on broken phones.
Take a deep breath, feel like you're chokin',
Everything is broken.

Bridge: Every time you leave and go off someplace
Things fall to pieces in my face

Broken hands on broken ploughs,
Broken treaties, broken vows,
Broken pipes, broken tools,
People bending broken rules.
Hound dog howling, bull frog croaking,
Everything is broken.

Ready, Set, Begin......

Endings are hard.
Endings clearly are just that, the end.
Ending is a death of time, space and energy.

Endings are the death of a beginning.

There was a time when I would have been really sad, no, actually that is an understatement, I would have been devastated to the point of being rendered incapable over anything ending, anything that I cared about so to speak.

Perhaps it is denial but I kind of feel locked off from having an emotional breakdown, or safeguarded against it, or so broken that I can't possible form any more pieces.

I slept for more hours today than I have slept in one day over the last 5 years. I think I slept this much when I was going through hell living in Portland. I slept a ton, stayed up way too late, drank way too much, ate to much, and didn't have anyone to talk with because my relationship was or had gone to hell.

So, the throws of passion will begin for this new adventure at some point.
But currently I feel that sense of unsettled changes that must happen that I haven't asked for but yet, might be the blessing in disguise.

















The big beast is attached to my hip these days. He and I have been through nearly 7 years together. One big adventure after the other. He is a trooper and a great kisser *wink*.














I'd like to say that Otter is just a shameless flirt, a loyal shameless flirt.
He will miss his new pal. I am sad for both of them as they don't know yet about the changes to come.

Clean Break

It felt all wrong when I woke up this morning.
Everything.

Waking up and feeling so displaced. Not even neutral displacement, more like not displacing enough water and therefore I was sinking.
I just got out of the shower. For some reason I think better when clean, shaved, dry and moisturized. Maybe it is the exfoliation. Ideas and blood run better.

I am dressed in jeans and a sweater. But it all feels so wrong. I like the sweater. But I don't feel like I belong here. On Earth, yes, here in Washington, no. I never belonged. It was just a place I had to come to escape the hell that was becoming my life. The depression and the subsequent pills that were suppose to help. They might have helped but they exacerbated an eating and body issue that had laid dormant a while.

Fierce never dies.
I am not giving in to that ball park full of curve balls.
Instead I am looking forward and remembering that I have a lot of life left in me.
The beast have a lot of things to smell and Jinx has so much more to mark as his.
Houston.
It has to be Houston.

While I was away I had about the best time I could possibly have had, the best time I've had in ages. Every detail of it. b.a.s. and I did a lot of great communicating. That was helpful. See, I tend to write more here on the blog when I am not mentally strong or when I am sorting out conflict. But I tend to write more in word that doesn't go here when I am happy. And I tried to write on a few mornings in Houston. The only thing that could make it better is to do it everyday in a coffee shop in Houston first thing in the morning after a 8 mile run.

So, here I am post shower wondering why I don't feel so great. I don't feel attractive or fun. I feel more like Jabba the Hut. I feel like I want to be unseen, unnoticed, un-everything that is.
But in Houston I felt pretty. I felt fun. I liked seeing how I would dress myself in the morning. Loved it. I loved seeing b.a.s. smile at me as if he couldn't figure out if I were seriously wearing what I had just put on. I had reason to celebrate. I was being loved and I was so happy.

Does place have something to do with this?
Houston, who would have ever guessed that I would be on my way to Houston at some point in my life? Not me. But I can promise you that I always knew I'd marry a southern man. I am glad he did a little bending about marrying a southern girl.

Life Trip 2008...building the soundtrack

The time has arrived. This period of nearly settled was indeed just that, but as I have learned and you'd think I would know better. If your instinct speaks up more than once, it is best to have a conversation with said instinct and listen, really hear the instinct out.

It's like the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, our brains process so much more information than we can possible comprehend and it has the ability to sort all matters out in the blink of an eye. I only wish I could act as quickly as my brain. Instead I stew and think and then end up making decision based on emotions. I might think used logic in assessing the situation but the truth is that I am an emotional person.

I could get all mushy here but I am trying to stay strong. b.a.s. compliments my emotional thinking and my fear of conflict by being the counter weight. He thinks about things and can keep me calm. He expresses love and compassion. He gives me a check list to keep the overwhelming from being so overwhelming.

So, I have called on a storage unit.
See, I am not sure if I explained all this back when it was an insane disaster in my life.
But I moved out of my house and into a house 3 blocks away. Now I need to move from this house because sometimes some things should have been thought about more, or perhaps in this case, less. However, I will not fall apart this time.
But I can only think that it is time to get going.
In so many senses of the words.

I want a place that is safe and not stressful. I don't want to be made to worry every single day about emotional issues, mine or someone else's. I want the dogs to be happy. I need a gym and a good church, good people and a park.

b.a.s. and I are talking about this, planning.
this is a good sign.
i left my dive gear in Houston with his stuff, also a good sign, for both us. I know but it does say to him that I am committed and by allowing my stuff to remain with his it says that he is committed to me.
We have also decided that we can't wait 4 months to see each other...it is just crazy.
Yet, we have also agreed that I can't put my life on hold for him. Still a little strange for me to have someone so supportive of me and wanting me to be able to find something I want to do. He has never given me the option that it was all about him, quite the opposite. Is this a southern man thing? No, I don't think so, I think it what Tift Merritt calls a "Good Hearted Man" and yes, I have fallen in love with a good hearted man. He has invited me into his world, shared me with his family and friends. We have kissed and told stories, we have shared tears and hugs and naps and great dives. And it is just the beginning. But a beginning so great and yet terrifying that we sometimes don't know how to handle it. But we are learning.
He has invited me into his life.
This is BIG for me.

I am tired.
I need to get to the things on the list.
Which for the time being only includes one last detail, have the Volvo checked as it is having trouble starting. But this is good to have done now, that is, before I make a cross country journey.
Houston?
Florida?
Colorado.....nah, too cold.
Any suggestions?

My needs are listed above and I would add that I'd like to be close to an airport and possible find a part time job and that dogs must travel with....this is terrifying and yet at the same time offers the opportunity to make a clean break from hell.


What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
Its time to move on, it s time to get going

Broken skyline, movin through the airport
Shes an honest defector
Conscientious objector
Now her own protector

Broken skyline, which way to love land
Which way to something better
Which way to fo rgiveness
Which way do, I go

Its time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
Its time to move on, its time to get going

Sometime later, getting the words wrong
Wasting the meaning, and losing the rhyme
Nauseous adrenaline
Like breakin up a dog fight
Like a deer in the headlights
Frozen in real time
Im losing my mind

Its time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
Its time to move on, its time to get going

Season of Reason

My mind needs a good cleaning, a waxing or a pore strip.

I need to flush out all the information and thoughts that have occurred over the last two and half weeks. I also need to figure out what is next in this ever going season of change.

There is a checklist of life and I seem to do everything backward.
Love has always apparently been first on my list.
And first is where it has remained.

But now, now I need to really think about the future. Where to next? What to do next?
Could I really have a life writing?
Where to start? ....actually I am working on this detail.


Time for coffee and then unpacking and thinking about the plan.
The Plan.
It's so formal, but it's about time it takes a formal figure in my life.